Love at first fight 3: back to basics

 Believe it or not, I screwed stuff up with Jade. I loved her . So much . It was impossible to not love her. She was an invincible goddess of strength and grace. I worshipped her muscles and felt more vulnerable and comfortable as I could. She unlocked my feminine side. Sadly, as it does. My ego creeped back in. Each time I wasn’t with her, I felt disgusted by myself. I’d look at the mirror wearing her t shirt which was so lose on me , and feel - what happened to the man in me ? My friends who were afraid to tease me in front of her would do so when she was not around. I knew if she came in the room , she would kick their ass so hard but I didn’t want to. In her absence, the noise of me losing myself got louder. One day it broke me as I cried on the floor naked while she was on tour. I was too afraid to face her so I left a note and moved back to India. I joined a gym , enrolled in a high protein nutrition program. I built solid muscle for 1 year and looked almost twice as big as before. Each time I reminisced about being a little princess in strong black woman’s arms, I’d punish myself hard by working out . My lean muscles made me quite popular in the gym and I drowned out all noise . I even started becoming a little more aggressive . My imposing frame would scare my friends who ever thought of mentioning how I used to be one year before. I did have to kick one friend’s ass to gain this submission. I finally had what I called the man card back.

This kinda chubby girl, sonakshi ogled me the gym every time I worked out shirtless . She had no chance in hell with me but it felt nice to be appreciated. One day after gym, I saw her in parking lot looking at her phone about how to change a flat tire . She asked me a lift and I refused. She was irked but said okay. As I was driving away , I saw her cute helpless face and stopped the car. I came out and asked if she had a spare. I took my pump cover off and changed her tire . She thanked me with a hug hurrying her head in my chest as if she’s hugging a tree. I said you’re welcome with a small hug . She said “you’re so strong !” I felt so good ! And a flashback happened when I used to hug Jade . I pushed her away and said I’ve to go and drive recklessly out. A few more months of testosterone fueled mania with shooting range , boxing , and workouts continued when I saw sonakshi again - this time at a restaurant. She was on a date or something with douchy looking guy. He was being touchy with her which seemed to be really uncomfortable for her. She pushed him away to which he tried to hug her tight. I came in and punched that guy cold . She hugged me and thanked me. I dropped her home and she professed she liked me. I said I am not in market. She said she doesn’t care and kissed me . I kissed her back. She went inside her house and I was kinda turned on. 

We texted a bit before we went on our first date which was a nice dinner. Our second date was the shooting range - I thought I’ll teach her something but she was a natural . In her first time , she handled the gun so well , she got almost perfect score. I was a bit alarmed but rolled with it . The same day we went to a bar to celebrate her score . She wore a salwar kameez , I obviously decided to go play darts with some guys . She came in and asked if she could play. We amused her. The competition between us guys was pretty stiff but she came in a bit too ahead . She acted as if she has never played before and kept on getting close and close to our score. She beat us ! Other guys took it in stride but I just exploded on her . “ why do you need to pretend you’re bad at it ?” I shouted. She seemed shaken and said “I’ve never played this in my life, what is your problem?” . I held her by her arms and said “know your place woman” with my insecurity flushing out of my eyes . She saw me for the first time . She rolled her shoulders and got out of my grip , she pushed me weakly and said “I’m leaving , you’re sick !”. She walked away as I looked around me and the bar was silent. It gave me a flashback of cheering crowd back when Jade playfully bullied me in bar and the crowd laughed when she beat that other obese guy. I’d  become that guy - only a jacked strong version of him. I looked in the mirror and drank my beer as I saw sonakshi was back and she took off her duppatta and hung it on the bar chair. She leaned in and kissed me as we were forehead to forehead. She said “I’ve to do this. ……. For you” , she out of nowhere headbutted me on my nose. I was disoriented . I got up and looked at her blurry , “you bitch !” I attacked her , she side stepped me and smacked me in the face again . More riled up , I tackled her and she stepped behind me , bear hugged me - her arms were crushing my ribs. She might be chubby but had a lot of raw strength . She stayed behind me for a bit as I tried to get out . She lifted me up in bear hug and dropped me on the floor . She sat on my neck with her butt on my upper chest , my shoulders under her knees. I couldn’t move anything but my legs. She looked around and smiled. She playfully slapped me and punched me . It was painful but not damaging . I struggled really hard and was not able to budge her. The waiter even handed her a beer as she just straddled me occasionally hitting me and asking “come on tough guy…. “ I yelled at her “stop it”. She threw the rest of the beer on my face and before I could react she held my shoulders and got up a bit only to drive her knees into my ribs three times. She got up and I found my way up a bit disoriented . Her beating over time was taking a toll on me . I attacked her again and found myself in a headlock . Her arm was soft yet big . I tried to get out but couldn’t . Breathing was getting tougher and tougher . She was making eye contact with me using the mirror in the bar . 

This salwar kameez Indian girl was draining the life out of me in the bar . All my manners came flooding back to me. I tapped out crying . Crying . Crying . She let me go. I laid there on the floor defeated . To be bested by a black muscle goddess broke me earlier but to be tapped by an Indian every girl at that stage in my mind , It all came back. I got on my knees to get up as I saw sonakshi . Her giant thigh and her broad frame . I actually saw her for the first time properly. She was smaller than me but now her projection seemed so much bigger . I looked upto her as she held my crying face . I said “I …..am …..a….. princess.” She smiled and helped me up. She lifted me up in cradle and got me out of there . She drove the car and took me to her place. She stripped me down and just wrapped me in her dupatta making out. She demolished me sexually. 

I …… couldn’t even fight her ? What kinda man am I ? She is so strong ! 

The cycle began again but unlike Jade . I did have some manliness in this relationship but whenever she wanted sonakshi simply dominated me. This includes front lifting me in front of our friends at functions and parties. I tried to mount a defense but she had no respect . Unlike jade , sonakshi would also slap me privately to show me my place . The never ending fight never ended as she would always win rapping me out , or making me admit I lost, or simply knocking me out.

The abuse was rampant but somehow turned me on. I still wanted it to stop but I was so afraid to face her. One day we went to the mall and she was shopping and she pulled me in the trial room to ask how she looks. She looked phenomenal . I touched the the embroidery and was impressed ; it was apparently really heavy . It made her not so toned abs look good . I touched her stomach as well. She kisses me and unbuttoned my pants . Soon I was naked in her arms but in change room it looked like there were 100s of her holding 100s of naked me. She took her blouse off and looked at it again ……. She put it on me. I protested but she pinned me . She hooked it successfully . She got out of the heavy lengenga and picked me up and put me in it . She pined me as she hooked it as well . She was in her bra and panties , yet she stood tall and confident. She put my jacket on  , as she took my hand and twirled me . I saw myself in mirror as she uttered in my ear - you’re a princess . 

She walked out showing me off to her friends and I couldn’t help but giggle. It’s her in underwear yet people are laughing at me.

There goes my gender identity again!